I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
