She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
