So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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