Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My vagina is officially offended.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
