I'd wear matching sweaters with you
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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