what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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