Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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