last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
