I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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