The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
