So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
