I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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