who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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