His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
