could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
