Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
