we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
