Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
