this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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