God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
