Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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