Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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