not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
