This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
