Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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