just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
