weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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