I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
