Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
