all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
