eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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