I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
