I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
