What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
