and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
