The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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