I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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