got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
