I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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