i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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