Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize