I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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