And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
