shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if only i could text you this smell
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
