The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
