So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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