is your mom at the bar?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
