I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
