cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
