alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
