I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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