Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
