I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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