I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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