Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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