I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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