I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
