She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
